When it comes to motivating children, many parents immediately think of material rewards—toys, treats, or screen time. While these can be effective in the short term, research shows that the most powerful and lasting motivation comes from a more thoughtful approach to rewards.
The Problem with Traditional Reward Systems
Traditional reward systems often rely heavily on external motivators: "If you do X, you'll get Y." While this approach can produce immediate results, it comes with several potential downsides:
- Children may lose interest in activities once rewards are removed
- The focus shifts from the value of the activity itself to the reward
- Children may begin to expect rewards for everything they do
- The "reward threshold" often increases over time, requiring bigger and better rewards
Psychologists have found that external rewards can actually undermine intrinsic motivation—the natural desire to do something for its own sake. This phenomenon, known as the "overjustification effect," has been demonstrated in numerous studies.
Building Intrinsic Motivation
The goal of any effective reward system should be to gradually build intrinsic motivation. Here's how to create rewards that do just that:
1. Focus on Recognition and Praise
Specific, genuine praise is one of the most powerful motivators for children of all ages. Instead of generic comments like "good job," try:
- "I noticed how you kept trying even when that math problem was difficult."
- "The way you helped your sister shows what a caring person you are."
- "I'm impressed by how you organized your project and finished it on time."
This type of praise reinforces the behaviors and qualities you want to encourage while helping children develop a positive self-image.
2. Offer Experience Rewards
Experiences often provide more lasting satisfaction than material items. Consider rewards like:
- A special outing with a parent (park, museum, hiking trail)
- A family game night where the child chooses the games
- Cooking a special meal together
- Extra time for a favorite activity
These rewards have the added benefit of strengthening your relationship with your child.
3. Provide Privileges and Responsibilities
Children often value being treated as more grown-up. Rewards that acknowledge their maturity can be highly motivating:
- A later bedtime on weekends
- More independence (walking to a friend's house alone, for example)
- Being put in charge of something important
- Having a say in family decisions
4. Use Natural Consequences
Sometimes the best rewards are simply the natural positive outcomes of good choices. Help your child recognize these:
- "Now that you've finished your homework early, you have more free time this evening."
- "Because you saved your allowance, you can afford that special toy you wanted."
- "Since you've been practicing regularly, notice how much easier that piece is to play now."
Age-Appropriate Reward Strategies
Preschoolers (Ages 3-5)
Young children respond well to immediate, concrete rewards and lots of enthusiasm:
- Stickers and simple charts
- Extra storytime
- Special helper roles
- Physical affection and verbal praise
- Small, immediate privileges (choosing the next activity)
Elementary School (Ages 6-10)
School-age children can understand delayed gratification and more complex reward systems:
- Point systems that add up to larger rewards
- Special time with parents
- Earning privileges like playdates or special activities
- Recognition of specific efforts and improvements
Tweens and Teens (Ages 11+)
Older children value independence and social recognition:
- Increased freedoms and responsibilities
- Technology privileges
- Special outings with friends
- Recognition of their maturity and contributions
- Involvement in decision-making
Creating an Effective Reward System
1. Be Clear and Specific
Children need to understand exactly what is expected and what the reward will be. Vague goals like "be good" are difficult to measure and achieve.
2. Make Rewards Attainable
Set your child up for success by ensuring that goals are achievable with reasonable effort. Early successes build confidence and motivation.
3. Be Consistent
Follow through with promised rewards and maintain consistent expectations. Inconsistency creates confusion and undermines the effectiveness of any reward system.
4. Gradually Fade External Rewards
As behaviors become habitual, slowly reduce the frequency of rewards while maintaining verbal recognition. This helps transition from external to internal motivation.
5. Involve Your Child
When appropriate, involve your child in designing the reward system. This creates buy-in and teaches valuable skills in goal-setting and self-motivation.
When Rewards Aren't Working
If your reward system isn't producing the desired results, consider these factors:
- Is the goal too difficult or unclear?
- Is the reward meaningful to your child?
- Are there underlying issues affecting your child's ability to succeed?
- Is your child getting enough positive attention in general?
Sometimes what looks like a motivation problem is actually something else entirely. A child who's struggling academically may need additional support, not just motivation. A child who's acting out may be seeking attention or dealing with emotions they don't know how to express.
Final Thoughts
The most effective reward systems focus not just on changing behavior but on developing character and internal motivation. By thoughtfully choosing rewards that reinforce values, build relationships, and recognize effort, you help your child develop the intrinsic motivation that will serve them throughout life.
Remember that your relationship with your child is the foundation of any effective motivation strategy. Children who feel securely attached, valued, and respected are naturally more motivated to meet expectations and contribute positively.